Please be sure to put the Virgin Islands in your GPS because the community really needs you to drop off some gifts. Several government officials, agencies and institutions may pout and issue boo hoo press releases about their gifts — but of course you always know who’s been “naughty” and who’s been “nice.” If in doubt, this list should give you a hint.
Please give to:
Gary Engle: a suitcase, so he’ll pack up his things and leave St. John.
DPNR: waterproof boots to wear if they ever actually visit the Paul E. Joseph Stadium site, which is in a FEMA flood zone.
V.I. Port Authority Executive Director Carlton Dowe: a receipt book so he can keep track of rents on the many VIPA properties.
Government House Communications Staff: a proofreader.
Tourism Commissioner Joseph Boschulte: a wake-up call.
V.I. businesses: customers.
Police Department: an anti-gun violence strategy.
WAPA: a heart.
V.I. restaurants: reimbursement for all the unnecessary plastic knives, forks and spoons and other disposable tableware the governor mandated they purchase.
Luis Hospital Management: box cutters to open all the equipment and supplies left neglected and unused.
Waste Management Authority: a dumpster in which to throw its many bad ideas, bad hires, bad bookkeeping — and a vendor willing to haul it all away for free, since it’s unlikely he would ever be paid.
V.I. Legislature: A set of steak knives, extra-sharp, for cutting fat from spending bills.
Nisky Center: a bigger parking lot to accommodate all the additional traffic to government offices, which were moved into the complex via the magic of political connections.
Economic Development Authority: a scale to accurately weigh how heavily tax breaks for EDA beneficiaries burden the V.I. taxpayers in general.
WICO: a ship.
GERS: a lifeboat.
Coral Bay: a ray of hope for success against mega-development.
V.I. public school teachers: an “A” for effort.
Friends of the V.I. National Park: courage to fight the giveaway of Caneel Bay Resort’s future.
All charities in the V.I.: donations.
The V.I. Attorney General: big success against the Jeffrey Epstein estate.
Gov. Albert Bryan Jr: a jug of Superglue to put WICO and VIPA together into one agency. And as stocking stuffers, a magnifying glass and flashlight so he can find the campaign promises he made. He put them somewhere, but he can’t remember where or what they look like.
Santa, thank you for whatever you can do for us. By the way, while you’re here, please take a look around. You’ll see that the Virgin Islands is truly a tropical paradise, even though our Tourism Department keeps it a secret. We want visitors. Please come back and bring Mrs. Claus and all the dependent clauses (the elves).
The People of the Virgin Islands